


Damaged

by abluenite



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Backstory, Boys In Love, Healing, Homophobia, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 11:38:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10333826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abluenite/pseuds/abluenite
Summary: Connor opens up about his past and confirms a theory Oliver regrets he mentioned. Set sometime after their argument in 3x8, and after Oliver learns the truth. Disclaimer: I do not own HTGAWM





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So after re-watching this episode as well as the others, I started thinking about how Oliver described Connor during their fight. I watched an earlier episode I believe in Season 2 where Connor admits to Oliver being the one that has kept him sane through all of what they've gone through with Annalise and I wanted to explore how maybe that attachment was formed. I hope you like it!

“You were right though. I am damaged.”  Connor pulled a throw pillow from the couch and clutched it tight as he looked down at the floor. Oliver immediately set down his wine glass and moved closer to the younger man.

“Con, I told you I really regretted saying those things to you. I was upset and didn’t really understand or know what was going on with you, with Annalise and everything…” he spoke but when Connor looked up to him with tears rimming his eyes, he stopped mid-sentence.

“I haven’t told many people about myself; my life before law school, undergrad, or even boarding school.”

“Con, really…”

“No,” Connor put his hand up cutting off Oliver and continued to speak. “I want you to know this about me Ollie. I trust you.”

“Okay,” Oliver nodded slowly and stared at Connor, urging him to continue.

“I’m the baby of the family and the only boy. My father wanted another son, but my mother was unable to have any more children after me. So, all his expectations for a son were put on me. It didn’t help that my uncle; my dad’s brother who also was his rival growing up, had three sons. All of them were massive, good looking, could play sports, always had an attractive girl on their arms, and of course were incredibly smart. My dad had me and my sister. It was easy for my sister because she was daddy’s little girl from birth and fulfilled him and my mom’s expectations almost instantly. Me on the other hand,” he shook his head and then wiped a tear away quickly, “I was a mess.”

“Con,” Oliver spoke lowly and reached for him to try to soothe.

“I’m alright. It’s okay Ollie. I’m okay.”

Oliver moved closer still and put a hand on Connor’s shoulders before letting it fall to rub small circles in his lower back. He leaned into Oliver’s warm movements but didn’t let himself become distracted for more than a few moments.

“So,” he started up again clearing his throat, “I had an interesting childhood. I wasn’t very athletic at first and I knew early on I was different. I was gay but didn’t know how to put that into words. My dad tried to put me into as many sports as possible but I just didn’t like any of them. It didn’t help that I was a little chubby as a kid and preferred staying inside listening and singing to music. I wanted to be in chorus in school and learn an instrument. Somehow that became synonymous with being gay and at a very young age my father started calling me names. He called me a sissy, a fag, just terrible, terrible things I couldn’t handle. He commented on my weight and somehow even dragged my sister into the mess. He compared me to her since, in his own words, ‘I wanted to act like a girl so much, why couldn’t I be skinny like my sister?’ That didn’t help either of us. She hated that he treated me that way and would often make her way into my room at night to comfort me. I cried a lot at night about all of this.”

Oliver begun his warm circles on Connor’s back again before wiping a few tears away from his own cheeks as he listened to his boyfriend’s story.

“The last straw was when the abuse started spilling over to my cousins. They all started making fun of me and beating me up because of who my father presented me to be to them. The summer before high school, my father made me stay at their house and train with them for their fall sports. I did slim down but only because not only were they working me to death all day, they starved me most of the day. My mother didn’t know about what was going on and my sister was spending the summer abroad before her first year of college. I had no one to protect me so I just imploded. I tried to kill myself.”

Oliver couldn’t hold in the gasp that escaped him as he pulled Connor closer to him and began to sob.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Connor. I didn’t know. I’m sorry you were hurting so bad…” he continued on crying and trying to comfort Connor but the law student just shushed him and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“It’s not your fault Ollie. You didn’t do anything.”

The pair shared an embrace until Oliver cries slowed down and Connor, his shaking frame. He pulled back and looked up at Oliver before beginning his story again.

“After the attempt my dad arranged for me to be sent away to a boarding school where I’d be someone else’s problem.” He laughed dryly before wiping his eyes and continuing. “I came out to myself when I was around 15 and my therapist who I had been seeing since I arrived there, when I was 17. My senior year was a long year of discussing all my gay stuff. It was also the year I began fooling around with Aiden.”

Oliver nodded and ran a hand through Connor’s hair before leaning in to press a chaste kiss to his lips. A small smile formed on Connor’s face before he started talking again.

“When I went off to college I kept in touch with my therapist and began seeing a new one at the same time. I continued coming to terms with what I had gone through and started to have a semblance of a real life. I was out and proud; albeit I didn’t have any serious relationships, but at least I wasn’t hiding who I was or being bullied into being someone I wasn’t. When I finally graduated college, and started law school all I saw was a bright future for myself. I had a good relationship with my sister, my mother had been divorced from my dad since I had started college after all of what happened finally came out, and somehow, I got a spot in the great Annalise Keating’s class. I was on top of the world Ollie. But then it all turned to shit.”

Connor turned around now and stared deeply into Oliver’s eyes. He caressed his cheek and leaned in for a few pecks. Oliver thought he was trying to derail the conversation, but his kisses stopped a few moments later.

“Everything I worked so hard to put behind me all came back up when I became involved with Annalise. All the anxiety and pain, the self-loathing and suicidal thoughts were all vomited up. I couldn’t handle it. The only thing honestly, I’m thankful out of all this bullshit is you Ollie. It’s always been you.”

“Con,” Oliver spoke before another tear spilled down his cheek and his voice choked in his throat.

“So yeah, you were right. I did come to you a bit damaged. I had hoped that I had covered up my past well enough but I guess the initial stress of school brought some it up, and then when the other stuff happened it bubbled up even more. All I had was you to save me. I’m so thankful that I did because I honestly don’t know what I would have done to cope. And I’m sorry if this is coming out as if I’m guilting you into anything, because I’m not. I just want you to know that you really do mean everything to me.”

“Connor, you mean everything to me too. I love you.”

“I love you too Ollie, but I just want to apologize for bringing you into all of this because it has been a mess. A crazy mess. I am really sorry about it.”

“Don’t apologize Connor. Just don’t.” Oliver leaned in to kiss Connor fiercely and then pulled away. “I know you didn’t mean for this to happen, but it did. I’m just glad you’re in my life.”

“I’m glad too Ollie,” he whispered close to Oliver’s lips. “I’ve been talking about us to my therapist Ollie.”

“You have? They know _everything_?”

Connor laughed before looking down and grabbing the pillow tighter to his chest.

“Not all the murder details, but just that school is stressing me out and that you’ve been a constant in my life that has helped me through what I’m dealing with.”

“Oh,” Oliver shook his head to clear it, before taking Connor’s hand in his.

“She agrees with you though that I may have used you as a security blanket at times because I didn’t tell you everything. Our communication needs improvement.”

“I do want you to talk to me more.”

“I will,” he nodded in agreement. “I want you to see my therapist with me. Just a few sessions to start, so we can build our relationship up.”

“Therapy?” Oliver’s eyes widened. He’s not really against it, having seen someone when he first came out himself, but with all the illegal stuff they’ve done, how could he get around talking about that?

“I know, it’s a big step, a serious and big step, but I want this to work out for the both of us. I love you Ollie more than anything. I want to be with you, and I want to be healthy for you, for us.”

Oliver stared into Connor’s shining eyes before pulling him closer and into his lap. He missed holding Connor like this, like how he used to when he would comfort him after a nightmare.

“Okay Connor. I’ll do it.”

The pair both smile before meeting for a slow and long kiss.

“I want us to last too Connor. I see myself just loving you, forever.”

Connor gave him a soft smile, that quickly turned into his signature smirk when Oliver’s cheeks tinged red.

“I love you Ollie. I really do,” he nodded. “I’ll call her tomorrow and set up an initial appointment. Until then though, I think I may need some physical therapy,” and his full-on smirk was back again.

“I can’t believe you Connor,” Oliver laughed. “We just had a full on serious conversation and you want to have your way with me?”

“Oh Ollie,” he leaned in for a kiss. “I think I want you to take charge,” and with a low growl he hopped up and with Oliver’s hand in his, he led him to the bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated!


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